4 Tips to Transform Your Goals & Finally Achieve Those New Year’s Resolutions
Honestly, I have a love-hate relationships with New Year's Resolutions.
I’m all about goal-setting and self-development, but too often I see people jumping into January 1 with great intentions but zero structure, support, or knowledge around how to actually make the changes they desire… They don’t set themselves up for success and then they feel like crap when change doesn’t come. It’s sad, frustrating, and deeply discouraging.
Sound familiar?
Whether you hate the idea of New Year's Resolutions or froth at the opportunity to self-reflect, the truth is that none of us wants to be the person who set goals, has brilliant intentions, and then drops off two weeks later.
And, statistically, that's what most of us do.
The gyms are busier than ever first week of January. But within a few weeks, things go back to normal. Downloads for wellness apps are through the roof at the start of the year, and usage then tapers off pretty immediately thereafter.
So, what's happening here? Is it that we're all just consistently lazy or incompetent?
Of course not. There's no statistical way that's possible. Also, that’s a pretty cynical viewpoint.
Let me offer a different perspective: despite our very best intentions (and, I believe we do have beautiful intentions to make our lives, and the world in general, much better), our goals and New Years Resolutions flop not because of our inherent laziness, but because of our methods.
We can learn a lot from the tremendous body of research on habit-forming and goal-setting. Here are four simple tips that can help set you up for actual success not only starting January 1, but at any moment for the rest of your life.
1. Don’t attempt to completely revamp your entire life overnight.
Typically, New Years Resolutions invite people to reflect on a whopping 365 days of "what went wrong," and to list out all the ways it could go better. And then — BAM — simply do it differently this year! It’s that easy!
Hold up, my friend. Take a breather.
Deeply held habits take a while, and consistent commitment, to change and replace with healthier habits.
How to do that? Well, most important is to start very, very small. I know that sounds anti-climactic. I know it doesn't seem very sexy. And I know the temptation to rush our evolution, and transformations, is very real.
But if you want lasting change, an overnight 180-degree shift isn't going to do it.
Most of us have had the experience of making some decision, in a fleeting moment of super-natural motivation, to go from 0-to-60 in our goals, fueled by sheer will-power. Start exercising for an hour a day even though you haven’t stepped foot in a gym in 10 years. Read a book every week even though you struggle to make time for yourself to even call your mom, or do laundry, or cook a healthy meal each week.
Or, maybe you fall into the trap of waiting until you get so fed up with the general dysfunction around you, that you decide it’s time to revamp your entire life in one go. You’re going to get in shape, start that new side business, learn a new language (and an instrument!), save money and stick to a tight budget, only eat organic, meditate daily, quit smoking, and basically become superwoman overnight.
Sounds great, right??
Well, maybe it sounds wonderful, but research (and, most certainly, your personal experience) tells us that this doesn’t work. At least, not in the long-run.
At best, you push yourself for a week or two until the feelings of motivation dwindle, and then the efforts taper off and life returns to normal. At worst, old habits set back in and you beat yourself up, taking this as just another bit of evidence as to why change is impossible, you’re a total failure, and you should never even try again.
I don’t want either of those things for you. So, how can we approach goals so we’re set up for success in the long-haul?
Instead, pick one thing to focus on, and find the smallest increment toward that goal you can imagine.
You want to get in shape? Great. Commit to putting on your running shoes and walking for 5 minutes around the block.
You want to start meditating? Beautiful. How about 2 minutes every morning while the coffee is brewing.
You want to write a book or start that side business you've been dreaming of? Heck yes! Start by setting aside 10 minutes a day before you start cooking dinner, where you’ll journal your thoughts or set up your Etsy store.
Start small, and focus on consistency. Now, I’m not here to tell you that you can start a successful business or write a best-selling novel with only 10 minutes per day, but that’s not your focus right now. Your focus is on building the new habit. Then grow from there.
So, start small, and stay consistent for 3-4 weeks (the average time it takes to build a new habit). Once the habit (of getting started/setting aside time/getting into the flow) is formed, it’ll be a lot easier to expand those 10 minutes into 30, or an hour.
2. Shift your self-identity before the change happens.
One major reason we struggle to make lasting changes in our lives is that deep down, in our subconscious minds, we don't identify with the person on the other side of that victory. We don't believe we are already capable and worthy of that life, or that happiness, of that abundance.
We believe that we need to become an entirely different person in order to be deserving of the love, validation, and acceptance we crave… or before we can earn the title of someone who is successful, healthy, disciplined, productive, [fill in the blank].
But what message does this send our subconscious minds (which, by the way, rules the vast majority of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits)? This message is telling us that who we currently are, is not capable or worthy of this victory. It’s telling us that our natural state of being is fundamentally opposed to this success.
We then approach our goals as if we’re wearing a ridiculous disguise. It’s like a fish telling itself it needs to try really hard to walk on two legs.
“I’m lazy and overweight and have never been able to stick to a diet in my entire life, but I’m now going to be a different person.”
This is setting yourself up for an uphill battle from the very beginning. And in essence, you are turning yourself into the enemy of your own success and goals.
When we approach goals as if that “future version of ourselves” is entirely different to who we are now, even we don’t buy into it. And we can only "pretend" for so long, while our inner dialogue is calling bullsh*t, before it gets exhausting. Before we give into “who we really are" and go back to square one, tails between our legs, wondering why we even tried at anything different.
And then, even worse, we beat ourselves up even more for it, seeing it as evidence that we are even further away from the victory than we believed.
It’s a terrible cycle.
Research shows us that despite our very best intentions, at the end of the day, we act in alignment with how we self-identify. When we identify as someone who is lazy, we won’t be able to pick up a gym routine no matter how hard we try. When we identify as someone who is always broke and bad with money, we’ll find ourselves with zero leftover cash at the end of the month despite our best intentions.
What identity are you placing on yourself? What language and words do you use to describe yourself to others, or even silently inside your head? Are you approaching your goals as is they belong to another person, a different version of you; or are you believing that you are already worthy and capable of this success you desire?
Language matters. Our words matter. And ultimately, we will subconsciously act out our self-identity. So even if it feels a bit weird at first, see how making this internal identity shift first can actually bring so much more ease into achieving the goal.
3. Stop beating yourself up for unaccomplished goals and unmet expectations.
Oof. I know. Maybe you feel frustrated that you haven’t been able to motivate your way out of bad patterns and habits. Maybe you're comparing yourself to other people who seem to be doing it so much “better” or “easier.” Maybe you’re feeling angry, discouraged, and behind, and the only culprit you can identify is yourself.
And, maybe you're convinced that self-criticism is good motivation for you to finally have a fire under your bum to do the damned thing.
Right??
Wrong. Actually, there's a much better way to achieve those goals than beating yourself up when you fall short.
Here’s the truth: A hostile environment is never the most effective way to evolve, grow, or change for the better and for the long-term.
Think back on a relationship you had (with a friend, a lover, a parent, a teacher or coach), where you constantly felt not good enough or afraid of being condemned, judged, and rejected from the other person. My guess is, you did "change" a lot in that relationship. But, most likely, that change was temporary — as you attempted to morph yourself, shrink yourself, or hide yourself from this person.
That's not real growth. That's fear. That's pretending (again). And it'll eventually blow up in your, and the other person's, face.
Now, think back on a relationship that was the opposite: one that was safe, where you felt seen and known and loved unconditionally. One were you could be brutally honest about your mistakes, fears, dreams, thoughts. When you are able to express yourself authentically, and experience being accepted and supported and chosen in the midst of that... How did you feel then? What did you believe about yourself? How did your actions change based on this?
When you feel safe to take risks, unstoppable in what you can overcome, and supported even as you make mistakes, this is where the real growth happens.
This is the kind of environment that fosters the most beautiful evolution, healing, and expansion any human can experience. This is the kind of environment that sets you up for massive success at your goals. Not fear, hostility, and constant criticism and condemnation.
So, it's time for you to start creating that same environment and relationship with yourself.
Drop the hostility. Drop the negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism. Drop the fear-based and punishment-based motivation tactics.
Discipline, boundaries, and structure are wonderful. Self-flogging is merely communicating to your subconscious mind that you’re a failure, a loser, and unworthy (see point 2 above about how we act in alignment with how we identify).
Lean into self-compassion. Choose yourself fully and accept yourself for who you authentically are. Honor all that you have accomplished and how far you've come, even if there's still more you'd like to do. Create a safe home inside your mind and body in which you can rest, and calm your nervous system to preserve energy… without having to constantly hide or perform.
Then see how this radically transforms your ability to achieve your goals and make lasting positive changes in your life.
4. Get comfortable asking for help.
Look, I get it. You want to believe you're strong and capable AF, and how will you possibly get that boost in self-confidence if you have to — ahem — ask for help?
It's one of the most common objections I hear from women I work with in my coaching containers: "This all sounds so great, but I first just want to see if I can do it on my own! I want to prove to myself I can do this alone!"
To which I always respond: Why??
I mean, seriously, why would you want to do that?
All great things in the history of mankind were definitely not accomplished in a vacuum, in absolute and complete solitude.
Even a monk meditating into enlightenment in the secluded hills of Tibet, at some point, receive guidance and instruction from his guru. Someone laid the path before him, with books, scriptures, teachings, or building an ashram in which he could go study and meditate. Even this silent solitary monk leaned on, benefited from, and required support and guidance from others on his journey.
And realistically speaking, most of us are far from this level of isolation, meaning we are constantly reaping the benefit of other people's influences in our lives.
The problem here isn't that we can't do something on our own. The problem is we've neglected an attitude of gratitude for how much we really do depend on others for our wellbeing.
Gratitude is, unequivocally, beneficial to our lives. All spiritual disciplines emphasize gratitude, and scientific research consistently supports the positive affects of gratitude on our stress levels, quality of sleep, immune systems, physical health, life expectancy, and overall happiness.
Hey, this is awesome news! It means you already have a leg-up in all areas of life by simply leaning more into the free resource of gratitude that is already at your disposal. Yay!
And remember that anyone claiming to accomplished all her success entirely on her own, is kind of full of sh*t — or, more kindly put, has missed massive opportunity to show gratitude to the other humans who have positively impacted her journey.
Whether it was her parents, teachers, coaches; the authors she read or podcast she listened to that inspired her; the peers or colleagues who supported her or led through example; or even those who built her home, kept her office air conditioned, cooked her meals, and sustained a reasonably effective government — all of these people contributed to her success. She did not, and could not, have done this all on her own.
And no, that doesn't make her less impressive, successful, strong, brilliant, or capable. It makes her human.
I am a solo, single entrepreneur, but that in no way means I've gotten to where I am today all on my own. I have so many people to share credit with. And again, I don't believe this makes me less successful, strong, or capable. It makes me see things through the lens of gratitude, which we know leads to a fuller, happier, longer life.
It's a win-win.
In reality, humans are designed to be interdependent. We're social creatures. We're created to communicate with, support, encourage, motivate, inspire, collaborate with, learn from, lean on, create with, and enjoy life with one another.
Let me say it again: All successful people needed, and to some extend relied upon, other people to get to where they are.
Stop telling yourself the story that your strength comes from not needing other people. You are not weak for asking for help. You are drawing upon the resources available to you in order to succeed at your goals.
So whether that is hiring a coach or a therapist, leaning on the support of a trusted colleague or mentor, or collaborating with someone on a project that would be better served with two minds or sets of hands... you deserve to get the help you need to succeed.
The world is better off when you're thriving in your purpose, rather than staying stuck in your stubbornness and ego.
Lean into gratitude. Let that transform the way you serve others graciously, and the way you honor yourself by seeking support so you can live out your purpose on earth effectively.
You’ve got this.
I hope this helps you as you navigate a new year of, perhaps, some "resolutions" to make changes, or at any point in the next year as you embark upon setting new goals for yourself.
To summarize:
Start small with a focus on consistency, rather than attempting to revamp your entire life in one go.
Change your self-identity to identify with the person who will achieve these goals, rather than waiting for the change in order to believe you’re capable.
Be kind and compassionate to yourself and heal the inner-dialogue. Boundaries and structure can be wonderful; but incessant self-criticism, hard self-punishment, and negative self-talk are poor long-term motivators.
Draw upon the resources around you to achieve your goals by asking for help and support. Allow this energy of interdependency to expand your gratitude and strengthen your spirit, rather than perpetuating a story that you needing others is weak.
I believe in you deeply. I know you're capable of accomplishing whatever goals you set for yourself. I also believe that it’s not our capability that gets in the way of our success, it's our methods.
I hope this blog inspired you to approach goal-setting from a different perspective. Likely, it also called you to do some beautiful inner work and get some support in changing the way you approach yourself and your goals. If that is true for you, I’d love to support you personally in this next season of your life.
If you'd like to chat about how I can support you with your goals this year, I'd love to connect. I offer 3- and 6-month private coaching containers that are intended to do just this: support, guide, and encourage you as you make sustainable, significant progress toward your goals; break old patterns that aren't serving you anymore in life, business, or relationships; and adopt new positive beliefs and mindsets that will actually help you get to where you want to go with more peace and ease.
(At the time of writing this I only have 2 spots available for new private coaching clients, and am offering $1000-1500 off for anyone who signs up before January 2023).
Click here to book a chemistry call with me and see if my private coaching program is right for you! I really look forward to connecting with you and seeing how together we can make 2023 your best year yet.
xoxo,
Alexandra
