New Year, More You: 5 Lessons (And Journal Prompts) for Self-Discovery
Not to burst the New Year's bubble, but this whole "New Year, new me" buzz doesn't really do it for me.
There's a big difference between wanting to transform into a different person (implying there’s something “wrong” about you to begin with), versus wanting to become more of all the things that already make you wonderful.
In reality, you are already magnificent, and the last thing the world needs is for you to scrap all that makes you unique and spicy and creative and wise and passionate, in favor of some completely different version of you.
What the world needs, and probably what you need, is more of you.
I mean, more of the real you.
The one that's crying to be let out and free, under the weight of years of social pressure, family conditioning, fear and anxiety, feeling not good enough, learning to perform and pretend in order to fit in...
In fact, it's all of that added stuff that silences, stifles, rejects, and judges the authentic you... and ultimately causes pain, confusion, lack of direction and purpose, and dysfunction in our lives as adults.
But when we step more into our real, authentic, unrestrained selves, we break so many of these patterns that keep us miserable and small... and we deliver so much more of our fullness to the world around us.
And the world would be a much, much better place if more people were living in their fullness, rather than trying to fit into some mold that was never truly meant for them.
The best part about this is, you don't actually need to change who you fundamentally are. Rather, this approach is all about knowing, understanding, and accepting more of who you are, and releasing the blocks and disguises that have stifled your authentic self-expression.
The result? More freedom. More ease. More peace. More joy. More alignment — with work, friends, partners, lifestyle, and so on.
And I think this is a kind of New Year's resolution we can all get behind.
So, how do you do it?
No matter what your specific goals are, I can pretty much guarantee that all of us can benefit from a little more attention to these 5 areas in our lives.
I encourage you to take some time this week to reflect on the journaling prompts below and see what comes up for you. Set aside 30 minutes or an hour at least to work through these prompts — I promise, you can make that time, and if you insist that you can’t, re-read number 5. ;)
If you’d like, do these with a friend or partner and share the results together over dinner… just be sure you don’t second-guess or censor your responses to avoid looking silly to the other person! That’s counter-productive.
Note that the point of these journal prompts isn't for you to necessarily land on any clear, tangible goals (although, if you do, power to you!), but rather to reconnect with who you truly are, and let that feeling and energy of authenticity, courage, and self-acceptance become a guiding light for you in all you do.
Lean more on internal validation, and less on other people's opinions.
Here's the truth: Most people who are judging you, criticizing you, or condemning you for doing the things that make your heart come alive, are likely projecting their own fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs onto you.
This doesn’t make them evil, it just makes them human. You, also, are likely doing this to other people whom you judge, criticize, or condemn. ;)
Realizing this helps us remember that other people, even the ones we admire and respect the most, are just that — human, not God. They, like us, have their own flaws and blind spots, and perhaps we shouldn't give their opinions limitless authority or weight over our own decisions.
The truth is, you will never, ever be able to please everyone. There will always be people who disapprove, judge, or don't understand you or your decisions. That is okay. Thankfully, your truest happiness and fulfillment will never come from getting more and more validation from other people. That will only enslave us to performing, pretending, and pleasing others in order to find some sense of acceptance.
Instead, focus more on getting clear-as-day about your own core values, your own version of success, and your own intuition, so that you can validate your own decisions at every step, no matter how anyone else perceives or receives them.
Build your self-love and self-compassion so that when you do make mistakes (as you will), this won't shatter your self-confidence.
At the end of your life, the only person who will be there with you to your last breath is you. All those people who disapproved or judged you — will they still be around? 5, 10, 30 years from now, will their opinions matter? will you be glad you listened to their opinions rather than doing what was right for you? I'm guessing not.
You'll only be left to reckon with yourself and what you chose to do with your life. And if you take that responsibility to yourself seriously, you'll never need to rely on the validation of others in order to find happiness, peace, and fulfillment.
Journal Prompt: If everyone would always approve of everything you did, and if no one would every judge you, what would you do? What would you focus on building or creating this year?
2. Get more comfortable saying “no,” even if it disappoints others.
I find that most of the unnecessary suffering we create or experience in our lives, is tied to poor boundaries.
Many of us see boundaries as a way of keeping people out; in reality, boundaries are a path to healthy connection — a gateway to intimacy rather than a fortress keeping people at a distance.
Where we struggle, is believing that if our boundaries (and our "no") results in someone else's discomfort or pain, then that means we did something wrong. We believe it makes us selfish, greedy, or rude. And when we believe it means all these thing about is, we will also fear that our boundaries might make us unlovable.
The reality is that there are a lot of people in your life who are currently benefitting from your lack of boundaries. They may, in fact, also have poor boundaries themselves. Once you start saying no, and seeing your own needs as equally valuable and important to everyone else's, it's true that some people might feel uncomfortable, confronted, or insecure.
Your responsibility is not to silence your needs and compromise on what's best for you, in order to help someone else avoid these feelings. Your responsibility is to be kind, respectful, and honest about what you need and what isn't right for you.
Remember that every "yes” takes up space in your life — which means that every “yes” is also a “no” to someone or something else. Be intentional with your "yes," and be honest with your "no" as early on as possible to avoid resentment and drama.
And when your boundary frustrates or upsets someone else, ask yourself: Was I honest? Was I respectful? Did I act with integrity and aligned with my values? If so, release the burden of people-pleasing, send kindness and compassion toward the other people, and move forward.
Journal Prompt: If saying "no" would never hurt, upset, or disappoint anyone else, what would put up boundaries against this year? What would you cut off, do less of, stand up against or for, or simply say "no" to?
3. Be more honest about what success looks like to you.
In her book "The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying," Bonnie Ware, a long-term palliative care worker, found that the most common regret felt by those coming to the ends of their lives was this:
"I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
More than anything, people wished that they actually pursued the lives, the dreams, the goals that were authentic to them... not those that were impressed upon them by their parents, friends, colleagues, media, society, etc.
So many of Ware's patients grieved the dreams that went unfulfilled in their lives — having to face the reality that it was due to the choices they made or didn't make, and that it was too late to change course.
Our mortality can stir in us a healthy kind of fear — not a despair or terror at the thought of death, but rather, a reverence at how finite and uncertain our time is here on earth. Along with a reality check that when we come to the end, we'll see clearer than every what truly mattered, and what didn’t.
Many of use are not on track to be living out a version of success that actually connects with us on a soul level. We've instead adopted other people's definition of success and happiness, and no matter how many boxes we check off — the fancy degree, the good job, the house, the marriage, etc. — we still find ourselves lost and unfulfilled.
I invite you to throw out what you learned from “what everyone else was doing” or what everyone else thinks you “should be doing,” and to start getting clear on what success means to you.
Get clear on what actually makes you happy? And then, give yourself the permission to get on track with those goals.
Journal Prompt: When was a time in your life when you felt truly happy, free, at peace, and yourself? What were the circumstances, who were you with, what were you doing, where were you located, etc? Be specific.
If you couldn't fail, if success was inevitable in whatever you do, what would you do now? What would help you elicit more of these feelings of happiness, freedom, peace, and authenticity in the long-run?
4. Find and develop more aligned friendships (I promise, those people are out there).
If all of the above seem nice in theory but terrifying to act upon, there's a good chance it's because you're not surrounded by the right people.
There are 8 billion people in the world. If you travel enough, you'll start to realize that as "true" and "normal" as things may seem where you grew up, in another part of the world, these same things might be seen as totally bizarre and taboo.
Thankfully, we live in a time where we can connect with people, ideas, conversations, and communities all over the world through the internet and social media.
There are online forums and Facebook groups, retreats, community groups in your city, courses, podcasts and books, and so many other ways to connect with new like-minded people. There are probably many of these people in your immediate vicinity, too... but you haven't noticed or met them yet because you've instead been surrounded by people who aren't aligned.
I know it can be hard to end or experience distance within friendships. But sometimes, relationships are supposed to be beautiful for a season, but are not meant to last forever. It is okay to outgrow relationships as people change and evolve; this doesn’t make you or anyone else a bad person. As painful as it can be to realize your community or relationships no longer support your growth, your goals, or your greatest good, it also allows you to open up space in your life for new, more aligned connections.
Jim Rohn says that "we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with." Whether you like it or not, the ideas, values, goals, priorities, energies, and conversations of your friends are going to influence and impact you. Find the people who are going to make you better and support you with your dreams, and watch your life transform.
And remember, you don’t need a lot of friends; you only need a few deeply aligned friends that consistently make you and your life better (and for whom you do the same).
Journal Prompt: Consider the friendships you have had, or currently have in your life. Which ones have you felt free to be completely yourself? To share openly and vulnerably, to express all sides of yourself (even the weird or challenging sides)? How do they make you feel — about yourself, about the world, about what you were capable of? What behaviors, actions, beliefs, and reactions do they bring out in you?
Which people have not, or currently do not make you feel this way? How do you find your own behavior, beliefs, and reactions change in when around these people or in these environments?
What is the difference you notice between these two groups of people, and what can you be on the lookout for in the future, when choosing who to spend time with, or who to pursue friendships with?
5. Invest more time, money, and energy into the things that support where or who you want be (and who you want to be) 2 years from now
All day long, we're "cashing out" from our internal bank of personal reserves — we give our time, our money, our attention, our energy, our wisdom, our support, our love with nearly every decision we make.
Even if only on a subconscious level, where you put those resources says a lot about what we value and where our priorities lie.
Get clear on your priorities in life — in the next 3 months, in the next year, and in life in general — and then start taking an account of where you're spending your precious resources each day.
When we're pouring our personal resources into projects, relationships, experiences, education, leisure, indulgences, career and personal development, and other areas that fill us back up (ideally, even more than before), our bank reserve stays in the green. We stay energized, affirmed, satisfied, open for connection, expansive, and motivated.
When we feel unfulfilled, resentful, unmotivated, lethargic, lazy, depressed, lost, purpose-less and passion-less, this is a good sign that your bank reserve is in the red and it's time to take an audit of your life.
Journal Prompt: If everything worked out for your good — the Best Case Scenario — what would your life look like 2 years from now? Be very specific, including details on community, romantic relationships (if any), job/career, geographical location, how you spend your free time, travel, physical/emotional/mental health, etc.
Next, quickly jot down a list of everything in your life that currently take time, money, energy, or resources from you. Free-flow write anything that comes to mind.
Beside each, indicate whether it is helping bring your toward this Best Case Scenario life, away from your Best Case Scenario life, or stagnant/neutral?
How can you start putting more of your time, money, energy, and resources into the things bringing you toward your highest self, and less into the things that are pulling you away from it, keeping you stagnant, or not contributing toward your progress?
What have you been putting off, avoiding, or resisting that could help bring you to where you want to go?
Get writing.
I hope these journaling prompts are helpful for you! I'll also be taking some time this week to sit with my journal and reflect on these questions. (My personal suggestion: Take yourself out to a delicious Italian restaurant for a solo date, and journal over a big plate of pasta. Try it!)
There is power in putting our ideas and thoughts into words. This means writing them down (psychologically, our brain process written words better and more deeply than typing on a phone or computer… so here’s your opportunity to put pen to paper, literally). And, hopefully, speaking these words out loud to another person. This is the first step in manifestation, taking action, and putting things into motion in the direction you want to go.
I also encourage you to return to the journaling prompts above frequently throughout the year and throughout your life (not only this January 1). We never run out of things to learn from these questions, and we always benefit from a frequent “audit” or check-in with ourselves in this way.
As always, if there's any way I can support you in helping you uncover MORE of who you really are, please reach out.
I’d love to support you this year.
I have only 1 remaining space available for a new private 1:1 coaching client to start the year with me. If this post resonates with you, if you're ready to start taking real action toward your goals, I would love to connect with you. You can book a free Chemistry Call here to learn more and see if you’re a good fit.
It would be my honor to start the new year with you, and help provide you with the encouragement, accountability, and guidance to make real momentum toward your dream life and goals (and, to help you get a lot more clarity if these goals seem a bit fuzzy to you right now).
Happy New Year!
xoxo,
Alexandra
