Leaning Into Fear

This week I did something that actually, truly scared the sh*t out of me.

No, it wasn't swimming with sharks, or hiking the edge of a cliff in sandals, or backflipping off the mast of a giant pirate ship.

Although, in fact, I did do all these things… but none of them stir fear in my heart quite like sharing a video of me playing guitar and singing on Instagram.

[Cue pit-in-my-stomach and immediate goosebumps.]

This may seem surprising to you (or even kind of lame), but hear me out…

Many of us (myself included) have spent our lives learning to stretch to the confines of our comfort zones and no further. Often, we’re clever about doing this in ways that look brave or confident to anyone on the outside. Other times, we may simply sink into the background and avoid being noticed entirely.

We know what looks impressive to others, or what will be approved of by others, or what might get us validation from others… but still feels safe and secure for us internally. AKA: we know how to find the perfect balance between our own comfort zones, and receiving the attention and acceptance of other people.

For me personally, things that might scare others feel like a breeze: solo travel, heights, sharks, etc.

But I promise you, that doesn't mean I'm fearless. A lot of the things that really scare me — the things I’ve learned to avoid, procrastinate on, or make excuses about — might come easy to other people.

To fear is to be human.

We all (again, myself included) struggle with the same human fears that have existed for all people, all across the world, throughout all human history.

We fear being judged, being rejected, failing, not being good enough, not being worthy of love.

So whether or not your comfort zone includes things like swimming with sharks, or bungee jumping, or public speaking, chances are what really fires up the fear within you is actually quite simple: confrontation, telling someone you have feelings for them, being judged for being honest about who you are, saying "no" when someone wants you to say "yes" and might be disappointed in you...

This week, that fear trigger came from sharing a video of me playing guitar and singing on Instagram.

For context: one evening, I found myself in an inexplicable moment of courage, playing a few songs for a friend. He really enjoyed it, and insisted I share more on Instagram. I told him that felt like the scariest thing in the world.

He told me I should share about that, too. ;)

I then said I had so many much more talented friends... why should I share a skillset I didn't feel excellent at?

He looked at me like that was an incredibly dumb thing to say (for reasons I was well aware of as soon as it came out of my mouth… I’ll elaborate more on this in a bit).

He told me I should share about that, too. Because surely, I’m not the only one holding myself back from sharing my fullness, my joy, and my gifts with the world for reasons that are absolute crap.

A kitten in lion’s clothing.

Here's the truth:

You don't need to be perfect at something in order to be worthy of showing up.

You don't need to be the best in order to add value in your unique way.

Comparing yourself to people who are many steps ahead of you is the most certain way to stifle your growth before it even begins, to give fear the final say, and to suck the joy out of life.

Here’s what I think. All those things that scare you? You should do them.

I mean, intentionally set out to do them. Seriously. Identify the things that scare you, and write them down on a “to do” list. And make a commitment to sit in that discomfort and do it anyway.

That’s how intentional I want you to be about this.

The minute you feel that fear rush through you, rather than taking it as a sign to retreat to safety, take it as a neon light pointing you to your next access point to leveling up.

Why on earth would you do such a thing?

Because most of your fears are not serving you.

Of course, if your house is on fire, you'll get you and your loved ones to safety. If a car is speeding recklessly in your direction, you'll jump out of the way. If a hungry lion is leaping toward you, you'll wish you'd asked the safari guide more questions.

But that fear of being judged by people you hardly know? That fear of failing as you go after your biggest, wildest dreams? That fear of showing people you’re messy and imperfect? That fear of being rejected by telling him/her how you really feel?

These fears are not actually keeping you safe from danger. They're keeping you small.

They're holding you back from living life on your terms, wholeheartedly, with your greatest authenticity.

Staying small and silent may feel like the "safe" route, but instead, it actually maintains the weight and power of fear in your life longterm. By avoiding the things that bring up a fear response in you, you actually are handing the steering wheel over to fear.

Every decision to retreat from your fear is a decision to allow more fear and restriction in your life.

How To Start Practicing Courage.

The best way to take your power back? To actually reduce the level of fear in your life and feel solidly more safe? Start doing all those "little" things that scare the sh*t out of you.

I mean, this doesn’t all have to happen overnight. A little discomfort is good; a consistent state of anxiety and a triggered nervous system is not.

But here’s what you can do to start retraining yourself to be more courageous in your life and decisions:

1) Actually make the fear “to-do” list I mentioned above. Write down some things that you’d typically shy away from: public speaking, doing an Instagram live, sharing your poetry or artwork, talking about your feelings with a close friend, asking someone on a date, asking your clarification, asking for feedback, asking for help, wearing a sexy new outfit, going out to dinner solo… you get the idea.

2) Come up with some simple ways you can practice sitting in that discomfort, while ensuring you are in fact not in life-threatening danger. (Spoiler alert: sharing your art, telling him how you really feel, asking someone on a date, going live on Instagram… none of these are real genuine threats to your safety.)

3) Pick something to do every day. Start making the habit of seeking out things that feel scary, and using that feeling as a sign that “This Is Exactly What You Should Do Next” rather than a sign that you should shy away from it. It might be something extremely small, such as telling the woman next to you at a cafe how much you like her outfit. But make it a daily practice.

4) Get a friend on board. It’s way more fun to have a friend holding you accountable, bringing some comedic relief to the equation, and cheering you on (and vise versa, you doing this for your friend will enable you to give yourself a pep talk you need).

5) Remind yourself of what’s really at stake, and what is to gain. Remind yourself that you will absolutely survive even if people judge you, reject you, don't feel the same way about you, or don't approve of what you say. Remind yourself you will survive even if you make mistakes, aren't perfect, or fail. And remind yourself that by overcoming this fear, by doing this thing you would otherwise avoid, you are becoming so much stronger, more confident, and more courageous on the other side.

This isn't an angry lion, my friends. This is a little kitten dressed up in lion's clothing.

But every time you choose to face these fears, you are giving your mind (and nervous system) powerful evidence that YOU are stronger than fear. That YOU will call the shots in your life. That YOU can do hard things.

And that you absolutely will survive no matter the outcome.

For me: I felt the fear when my friend told me to share a song on Instagram. I noticed the excuses that immediately popped up in my head to allow me to retreat back into my comfort zone.

But I've also made a lifelong commitment to not give fear the final say on my life. So I added it to my figurative “to do” list, and without overthinking, hit “record” and posted to my Instagram stories. Yay!

I survived, and now for the future, even if it still isn’t super comfortable for me, the fear won’t be nearly as powerful.

I believe in the life-changing power of small acts of great courage.

Every time we feel the fear and do it anyway when it comes to the "little" things, we're setting ourselves up for success in the future when it comes to the really major, life-altering decisions.

Quitting the job you hate. Starting the business you’ve been dreaming of. Booking the flight to that bucket list destination. Starting therapy or hiring a coach. Ending a relationship that isn’t healthy. Sharing your gifts with the world. Having really hard but really important conversations.

So, what is that “little” thing for you this month? or this week? or maybe even just today?

Let this be like an exercise you’d do at the gym to build strength. Don’t overcomplicate it, don’t overthink it, and don’t give yourself too much time to create clever excuses and procrastinate.

So, are you ready?

Yes, I really mean it.

Pick something scary and DO IT. Join me in this commitment today, and maybe this entire week, and then who knows — maybe for the rest of your life.

Feel the fear. Remind yourself you'll survive, you have permission to be imperfect, and anyone throwing icky judgments your way is definitely not the kind of person whose opinion should matter in your life.

Remind yourself that this is training. This is important practice. This is building your courage muscle so the next time, it likely won't seem so scary. You’ll be stronger. You will have reduced the power of fear in your life and will be walking with much more peace and freedom and true safety.

And besides, you never know what can come from all those things you’ve been avoiding. 🙂

xoxo,

Alexandra